By: Lillian Turner
As a financial planner, one of the most common recommendations I make to couples is to conduct a regular “money date”. Discussing your finances (especially with a partner) can feel uncomfortable, emotional, and even a little scary. However, the more you normalize and share your feelings around money, the easier it becomes to meet your financial goals.
The current rate of divorce sits right around 50%, and money is often named as the most common cause for this devastating event. However, I don’t believe that money should be given such a bad rap. Money itself is neutral. At the end of the day, it’s just a piece of paper with a dead guy on it (sorry, George Washington). Communication around money is the true culprit.
The objective of a money date is to organize your financial life, bring awareness to your current spending habits, and create goals to set future you up for success. Most importantly, money dates should be a fun, low pressure time to connect with your partner and communicate about important financial obstacles – before they get out of hand. You owe it to yourself and to your relationship to face your financial fears!
Before we dive in, I’d like to note that you don’t need to be married (or in a long-term relationship) to conduct a money date. You can grab a friend, a neighbor, your 4th grade art teacher, your great-great-grandmother, your personal trainer, Flo from the Progressive commercials, your latest Instagram follower, or the guy selling fruit by the side of the road (you get the point!). The key is to find a trustworthy accountability partner who will support your long-term goals and provide an objective point of view.
Step 1: Set the Scene
Before embarking on your first money date, it’s important to decide on the cadence. It could be as simple as a 20-minute weekly check-in as you are preparing for the week ahead. Or perhaps you’d prefer to set aside time once a month for a more in-depth review of your finances. The important thing is that you build the habit of checking in about money on a regular basis.
Make sure that the cadence you choose correlates with a time when you are likely to be in a good headspace. Connecting over brunch on a slow Sunday morning will be more beneficial than chatting about money on your way to soccer practice with five screaming kids in tow. Once your money date schedule is set, make sure to mark it on your calendar (this is crucial!).
Ahead of your first meeting, you will want to decide on the agenda. It’s important that both partners are prepared for what will be discussed so that no one feels blindsided. The specific topics you discuss will depend on how often you are meeting, but here are a few things we generally recommend that you cover:
- Current spending levels & their alignment with your goals
- Savings targets & investment contributions
- Upcoming expenses (trips, home renovations, car repairs)
For money date virgins (don’t worry, we won’t tell!), its best to start simple with the very basics:
- Do you currently have an emergency fund in place? What is your target goal for this account? We recommend having 3-6 months of expenses saved up!
- Have you started saving for retirement yet? What type of investment accounts and benefits does your employer offer?
- How would you describe your current relationship with money? Is it a positive or negative one? In what ways can your partner support you?
Below are a few additional topics to cover on a recurring basis:
Monthly –
- Review your credit card transactions for accuracy and potential fraud
- Discuss large purchases coming up (travel, home remodels, childcare)
- See how you are tracking towards your savings goals for the year and adjust for next month, if necessary
- If you have stock options, are you nearing a vesting date? What is your plan of attack?
- If you are a business owner, do you have a quarterly tax estimate due soon? Is there enough cash in your savings account to cover the bill?
Annually –
- Create a net worth statement to track your overall progress each year (assets minus liabilities equals total net worth)
- Download a free credit report from annualcreditreport.com
- Review your home & auto insurance for proper coverage and shop around if your premiums feel too high
- Review your employee benefits and make sure you are taking full advantage of everything that is offered
- Check on the investments in your various taxable or retirement accounts and make sure that any extra cash is invested
Step 2: Time to Dive In
Once your money date has arrived (woohoo!) take some time to get comfortable. Light a few candles, pour a glass of wine (or three), and put on your comfiest pants. If you feel open to it, take a few deep breaths to help you feel centered and fully present.
If it helps, you can start your money date with a quick past/present/future flow.
For example:
- What is one financial achievement you are proud of this past month? (past)
- Did anything surprise you about your spending this past month? (past)
- How does cashflow feel right now? (present)
- What is a financial goal that I am currently working towards? (present)
- What is one thing I would like to do differently for next month? (future)
- How can your partner best support you this next month? (future)
If your money date agenda feels long and overwhelming, set a timer for 5-15 minutes and see how much you can touch on. It’s okay to start simple. Don’t try to dive in all at once and burn yourself out! Money can be a HARD topic to discuss. All it takes are baby steps! Pick just a few items that seem exciting or important to you and your partner.
One of my favorite tips on starting a new habit is to start really small. Simply driving to the gym, walking inside, and then turning around and heading home can be very beneficial if you are trying to build the habit of working out more. It’s also important to quit while it’s still fun! Spend two minutes reviewing your transactions for the past month and then stop (or keep going if you are getting really into it).
Step 3: Transformation Requires Action
At the end of your money date, decide on your action items and when they will be completed by. I recommend choosing 3-5 top priorities. Decide on a time and place for your next money date and put it on your calendar!
Next, discuss with your partner how they can best support you in achieving these goals. It’s important to hold each other accountable and touch base on your progress on a regular basis. Offer a safe space for your partner to share any obstacles or concerns they may have about taking action on their financial items.
Lastly, congratulate yourself for making time to prioritize both your finances and your relationship! I’m so dang proud of you!!